Reciprocity

This is going to be a short post but hopefully sweet too. There’s an idea in business as well as life (sorry business is part of life) that a generous spirit actually rewards you. The example in business is you give something of value for nothing and a relationship of trust is very quickly built up. Sincerity is a big issue when it comes to building new relationships in any form (personal or professional). Frank Kern goes into it better than I would here (listen to the audio here. There’s a very valuable business tip for those interested)

However to put simply:

Give something of value = interest and trust = relationship building = ongoing value exchange (including but not exclusive to $).

What I like about this is the whole selfish / selfless conflict is irrelevant – as not matter what angle you come from you get to the same point anyway…

Foucault the Zen master!

My wife is now studying medicine. She recently needed to cover some developmental psychology, which looks at how we all live and move through stages in our lives. There’s plenty of theories that support and conflict each other but most agree that people either master and move through stages (biological or social) or get stuck on certain stages and this causes its own set of problems. It’s a very tidy way to understand how we mature as human beings but I’ve always had the impression there’s probably too much variety to package things so neatly.

The social stages guide us through what is and what isn’t acceptable for different cultures / age groups etc. People around us naturally prod or hit our breaks to keep us well contained within appropriate stages. This makes me recall my first few years of my marriage. I was 23 and my wife was 18 years old. So, being this age and married sujected us to our fair share of subtle and some not so subtle social prods. Maja once had to listen to a feisty monologue that started with the words “my god girl! What have you done to yourself…” After 9 years and at our present ages – it looks like it’s OK to be married (we just don’t get so many passionate responses anymore).

So, there’s a lot of weight behind how we all condition each other to fit into what’s acceptable or not. There’s a French philosopher, Michel Foucault who takes this a step further. He linked how we maintain social norms to how we keep structures of power in place. Not only do things like what we learn at school or what’s portrayed in the media build our views and values but our individual behaviors and interactions contribute just as much. They sort of feed off each other and keep everything and everyone in their ‘proper’ place.

So if our values, thoughts and identity are all built up so heavily by social conditioning what room does it leave for myself? In other words the question might be: who am I if most of what I am is a product of social and biological conditioning?

Peter, another WordPress blogger brought an answer to my attention based around an interesting aspect of Zen practice. Zen attempts to break down the limited concepts of our identity (In a similar way to what Foucault just did, inadvertently) to arrive at an authentic experience. I guess those quirky Zen masters saw that holding on to our identity (hey, don’t take away my individuality man!) just gets in the way of really experiencing things as they are (right at this moment).

Body and mind parallels

My posture is usually slightly hunched when typing on my laptop. My body sort of compensates to lessen the strain on my spine by tightening small muscles around my back. This compensation pattern protects my spine but soon begins to strain the overworked muscles rewarding me with a few aches and pains. Doing something like Yoga or getting a massage from time to time helps to ease this and helps put my posture back to alignment (got to start some Yoga).

There’s some parallel between how my body compensates and how some of my personality traits are formed. I like Carl Jung’s ideas on where I would find fulfillment. He believes fulfillment comes when I uncover my real self or know myself fully (yes, not just me). This real self lies at the centre of my personality and is hidden under layers of subconscious protective mechanisms. So just like my muscles are compensating for a bad posture, some of my oddities in personality compensate for things like fear.

For example my absent mindedness could protect me from a fear of responsibility or a fear to face certain challenges. No I don’t decide that I’m going to leave my wallet on a table in a crowded coffee shop, or not take a mobile phone charger with me on a trip (by the way I’m on a bus to Canberra right now and I have my charger with me so I must be doing something right). So this protective mechanism isn’t part of my immediate awareness.

My journey to fulfillment from Jung’s perspective starts by becoming aware of things like this. This is similar to how massage or Yoga assists with a better body awareness – I know where my muscle aches are coming from so I have more of an ability to remedy my bad posture. Likewise, knowing my own short comings or making them conscious helps me deal with the original fear with more capacity.

The point being is that all our unique forms of self protection especially the ones that prevent us from undertaking positive challenges inhibit our ability to become all that we can be. Every person has unique abilities that we can either choose to use or not. I think a lot of people have a hunch of what their particular abilities are, so when we’re not afraid to explore these (in the face of self doubt and criticism) we can move closer to fulfillment.

Sleep deprivation contributes to stress

I saw a snippet of a current affair show pointing to how a lack of sleep (say less than the recommended 8 hrs) contributes to high modern stress levels. The same night I got wink eye at 2:30am and woke at 6:30am.

So with my 4 hours of sleep (more likely 3 hrs of real sleep), how did I fair? Well not too bad. I did the “I’ve got everything under control” routine OK, not a great feat considering I’ve had 32 years to practice honing the skill and had gained better results under far worse conditions. I guess I spoke coherently, gauged from not getting too many blank stares and made a little bit of progress on a few work things. So overall, I got through the day without any real hitches.

Although the tell tale sign might have been seeing me staring at the shining lights of a computer screen long enough to merit a badge from NASA (space man). My concentration levels where not really riding the crest, I felt more scattered than usual and more snappy. I guess I really could have done with a Halo Massage (hint).

But it’s no great revelation that a lack of sleep is going to have adverse effects. The trick is how to fit everything in one day without chipping away too much from the recommended 8 hrs. I’ve took it upon myself to follow up (a least bit by bit) all the little “if only I had more time I’d do this and that”, but the result is sometimes a lot less slept.

I’d love to have everything scheduled where I’d have time to do the stuff that inspires me, the stuff I have to do and the sleep I need to recuperate. At the same time I’d like to be able to follow a hunch and sacrifice a few hours sleep to do it. I think it’s a matter of trusting your own instincts. It’s unproductive for instance to be the “thou shalt” guy who locks himself to 8 hours sleep every night, after 8 hours work etc etc – there’s no possibility to go on a whim (an essential part of feeling a sense of freedom I believe). You’d also be ignoring your instincts when you’re continually sleep deprived – it’s a basic human necessity just like relieving your bowels (neither healthy to ignore that necessity for too long… the fixation Freud calls “anal”).

What’s the key to happiness

Say I had the key, then I would have to know what door to open. Sorry for being cryptic but happiness is one of those vast terms, probably as vast the happy proponents that know how to get it. I’m not necessarily being critical, but I think it useful to look at other ways to define happiness because this term could mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

I’ve almost read the 4 hour work week and Tim Ferriss, the author has an interpretation that makes sense. Tim preferred the term excitement over happiness as he points out that when you’re exited about life you want to get up in the morning, you’re happy to take risks and do the things that an overburdening fear would stop you from doing. You’d strive to “make each day count” as Leo puts it to keep that excitement high. So by default, if you’re excited you’re happy. This definitely has a lot of appeal for me. The only thing is that when I think of being exited all the time I picture this kid who lived across the road from me when I was about 8 years old. He couldn’t stop, he drank too much red cordial.

So where it might fall short is that realistically you just can’t always be excited. There are events where it’s not even appropriate to be that way. I’ll have to take the cliché extreme for lack of a better analogy, but excited at a funeral – this is just not right (maybe for some – no judgment for you guys out there, we’re all different!). So does this mean we can’t be happy all the time? Probably, but I think there is a lot of merit in being able to experience a range of states, feelings, thoughts etc. Otherwise what’s the purpose in having these? And isn’t having a range what make’s us human?

What’s all this about?

The guys at 3 Minute Angels (3MA for short) sometime time ago took an interest in corporate happiness. When I look at the average office worker (like myself, so I should know) often mentally stretched between tasks: the emails that need replying to, things to organise, deadlines to complete and possibly counting down the days before the weekend – its clear some type of reprieve would at least be appreciated. All this mental tension does have the nasty affect of stiffening the body, so the basic formula of the corporate massage is to alleviate this through massage.

The unique thing about 3MA’s Halo Massage is it encourages people to chat, laugh or maybe just let off some verbal steam by not having their face pressed down on a massage chair. With the Halo Massage happening right there in the office space, the general atmosphere and dynamic becomes uplifted. So the guys at 3MA with guidance of The Happiness Institute looked at extending this through use of positive affirmations and documenting the process to happiness (or the state of being happier). For one, employers know that their money is being well spent, but more importantly it gives the individual tangible evidence that his / her general state of being is transforming (for the better).

So with 3MA supporting the idea that happiness is achievable through practical steps, they could see the potential in a blog that explores this idea from a personal perspective.

So will I be getting free Halo Massages everyday? No (but I’m crossing my fingers). Will I be using the The Happiness In Action Cards and the Choose Scale? No, but I will be digesting some positive psychology upheld by The Happiness Institute and writing about it here. Does this work? Yes or maybe no – this is just a part of a journey that is documented here, so I’ll let you decide that as time goes on.