The road to happiness

David Deida had a phrase that crops up in my head from time to time. He was writing about the things that stunt our ability to live out our authentic purpose – that is a life that makes us most fulfilled most of the time. A big hurdle is the ‘thou shalt’ dialogue that plays over in our minds like a broken record. And who’s the voice on the other end? Who’s responsible for laying down the first few tracks?

Well, usually they’re our primary care caregivers, the one’s we looked up at with wide eyes – the mums and dads, maybe aunties, uncles or big sisters and brothers etc. They gave us our first road map to the big world we knew so little about and still when it comes to decision time – we go straight to the same road map index.

For me I’d often hear my dad saying: “you shouldn’t be doing that, David”, “That’s not a good thing..”, “Its best to do this…”, “You need to do that…” etc – Not in a Norman Bates way (where I’d talk to myself as my mother in in my mother’s own clothes – Hitchcock’s Psycho) – its more a pattern of thinking based on the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ passed on by our primary caregivers that we use as a measurement or a sounding board for whatever plays out in our present life. In this way Deida states:

“live your life as if your father is dead…”

But it’s not about our relationship with our parents, whether they are alive or dead, or what influence they might have or not have on us. It about being able to distinguish between the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ that probably worked well for someone else in some other time and place from the right and wrong that works for us right now. This is what Nietzsche talks about in his story about slaying the dragon of all created values (referenced here). The lion (determined action) slays the dragon (passed-on values) and transforms into the child (innocence able to create new values).

So what does this have to do with happiness?

Well my happiness starts from being happy in myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’d get a real kick out of other people acknowledging me, sending me praise and adulation – genuinely handing out a lot of ego pampering (of course, I’m not stopping you…). But if I’m not OK about myself no amount of praise and recognition will do me any good, especially when things turn around (and they always will) and the love stops coming. This kind of describes the curse of the celebrity.

To find happiness I need to know that the direction my life points is guided by me. If I’m not at the helm of my own life, if my dad, my wife, or Frederick Nietzsche always makes the final decision to go left, right, backwards or forwards (yes, up and down too), I’ll eventually be afraid of my own decisions (as I’m not making any of them). I’d lose trust in myself, grow dependent and wind up miserable and addicted to the drug of approval (well someone’s got to approve of what I’m doing- I don’t know if its OK or not – “someone, anyone HELP!”).

The alternative is to guide our own lives, to create values based on what is most relevant to us at the time and place it is best suited. To begin to trust in our ability to make precise decisions, in other words to put faith in our ‘gut feelings’ or instincts as a guide to life. And with this new found self-faith and spontaneity – there lies our road to happiness.

How to be cool…

I was a casual teacher for some time – a replacement teacher called in to hold the fort when sickness (physical or emotional) debilitated the usual placement. Mostly, I never met the wounded but heard a lot about their unorthodox techniques – “he always lets us use our mobile phones”, “we always work on other assignments”, “she doesn’t mind if we do no work”, “were allowed to sit and talk”… etc.

Truthfully, I had no personal objections to most of these ideas, anyway I was primarily responsible for keeping students safe, as quiet as possible and contained in the classroom for the duration – a little easier than stretching out a one-liner lesson plan (dictated on the phone by a slurring bed-ridden teacher at 6am) to fill an hour on a subject I know close to nothing about (Science, Maths, French, Cooking – I was an Art teacher for Christ’s sake!).

Anyway, I put my hand up for as many roles as possible (so I’m partly to blame) – it was the only way to get through the dry-spells, namely summer or just after extended school holidays when teachers generally feel more refreshed and hopeful. Hopeful teachers just don’t get sick as much – and I would get less work.

I quickly signed up for everything and soon was ‘teaching’ every high school subject I knew or didn’t know (more to the point) – I was also a Primary School teacher, a Special Education teacher, a school Principal, a Minister of Education (well not the last 2, but I would have if I had no other work on).

I’d like to give a brief account of one of these days – the first time I was called in to be a Special Education teacher:

I arrived just a little before the morning bell and began to browse through some picture cards left on one of the desks. “No hitting” it read beneath an image that pictured a kid slapping another kid. Great, the expectation of being hit suddenly entered my mind.

The walls were covered in color: posters, student art – swirls, cellophane, paint dabs, stick figures with big round heads. A corner with bean bags, color blocks, books and squishy toys lay in stark contrast to the other corner – a singular hard chair in the middle of bare space – clearly the naughty seat or “time out” space – a phrase without ‘value’ that ends up meaning ‘naughty’ to the kids anyway, a little like the term ‘special’.

The bell rang… an abrupt loud sporadic rant, I noticed in the background noise earlier suddenly got louder, closer then closer – it was coming here! I swallowed, picked up the nearest “no hitting” card like a shield and took a deep breath. The door swung open – a shouting beefy 7 yr old almost as big as me stared me up and down with disgust. “Hello, I’m your teacher for today” I explained, he screamed back at me with words I couldn’t understand but the meaning I was clear about: “You’re not my teacher! – GET the F@#* OUT!”

The stand off was intervened by the Teacher’s Aide (really I was just stunned) and soon after I learned that this was Angus. Angus wasn’t fond of change, in truth he was probably as fond of change as anyone else – but unlike most, he lacked the pretence needed to refrain from expressing it.

Unfortunately, I’ve painted Angus in a bad light but not intentionally – I really just wanted to point out the comical side of our introduction. In reality he was a healthy kid, slightly distrusting of strangers, seemed to gain a sense of security from what’s familiar, was wary of what isn’t, liked to test his boundaries, was very cheeky and an accomplished manipulator – the only difference between him and other kids the same age was he had a high functioning form of Autism.

Autism is a hard thing to describe, as there is huge range of behaviors that fit under its spectrum and the spectrum ranges from high functioning to low functioning, where functioning means an ability to interact with the outside social world. One common feature is literalness. A good example of this in the movie “Rain Man” was when Dustin Hoffman’s character stopped walking in the middle of the road because the crossing symbol went red. Red means stop! There is no orange walking man that lets you know there’s not a lot of time left – so it kind of makes sense in a literal way.

Similarly, Angus liked his Lego blocks – they were his reward and because he “earned” them, no other kids should play with them. A reward is an accomplishment owned by a person, there’s no sense in giving someone else a reward for what you’ve done- it loses it’s meaning, it’s no longer a reward. This makes literal sense too. People without Autism might be more able to compromise or are flexible with the direct meaning of things (mostly).

Angus also needed a lot of personal attention – so enjoyed working one on one. He still had outbursts when he was frustrated, but overall appeared happier and more able to do things. It was not because of his Autism that he sought attention, but like most kids (and the same can be applied to adults) attention is an indication of their value. The preference is always positive attention with praise and support, but the next best thing (for a child – that can’t get the former) is any attention at all, even negative. Negative attention indicates at least (for the child) that there is some interest taken in them and for kids coming from dis-functional backgrounds, this is the only attention they might know and so often act-out to seek it.

The intent is to gain some form approval (even acknowledgment) to compensate for any feeling of inadequacy. Its not really uncommon – most of us require this in some form throughout our life (Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad – OK you’re exempt from this one).

The interesting thing for me when I worked with kids, especially those outside the mainstream is that it exposes our social dynamics in a more transparent way. The older we get, the better we get at masking our core emotional needs. Its not helpful to expose our desire for approval and it’s just not “cool” – so we entrench approval seeking in complicated social rituals of acceptable things to say and do – and this is how we become “cool”?

Well, maybe not.

A reason to focus on health and happiness

When do we know there is a real problem with our work habits, daily routines or our general lifestyle? I remember hearing about an investment banker who was in his late twenties and suffered a heart attack. The story went something like this:

Peter (not his real name) was picked up early after graduating from university from a large investment bank due to his high grades and success in graduate recruitment interviews. He climbed the ranks early and was admired for his keen insights and knowledge of the market. He was also very sociable – at all times equipped with a sharp remark, usually with a funny twist. Honed over countless lunchtime meetings and big weekends, was an ability to hold his liquor, no matter the amount or how late the office drinks went into the night before, Peter got to work and drew on what seemed an unlimited energy store. He stayed at the top of his game for a long time.

His burning desire to achieve got him through the “bursting at the seams” schedule, as well as a pack of cigarettes a day, a minimum of 5 coffee hits, lunchtime and after work drinks, jam and cream donuts and a least one heavy restaurant meal a day. On top of this he averaged about 4 hrs sleep, endured high and consistent peaks of stress throughout the day, avoided the doctor and hadn’t exercised in over 10 years.

The signs were there: the bluing of the lips, the bouts uncontrollable coughing, and shortness of breath, dizziness, and pinkish glassy eyes. Peter always put on a brave face and when someone showed concern he reminded them about how much his body could take and the fact he “worked through” flues – a testament to his physical strength and endurance.

Apparently he died at the office working back late – a heart attack.

This story made me think about how we focus on “repairing” disease and mental illness rather than focusing on creating lifestyles that promote health and happiness. How coping with a brave face through difficulties appears more admirable than seeking help and how this mentality is so ingrained in our work ethic but doesn’t really seem to serve anyone in the end.

Everybody wants to avoid stress

I have a good understanding of stress – as everybody else living in the contemporary world with all the demands on time and expectations needed to be met. There’s a lot of expectations from peers, family, bosses etc that underlie the type of interactions we have with people generally and these expectations do their bit to ensure some level of stress.

We could look at this through the simple Pavlov conditioning experiment: ring a bell, then a moment after give a dog food and do this a few times over – the dog salivates eventually without the food and just by the sound of a bell itself. Let’s say I’m the dog and the environment is a social situation. When I’m around people it’s nice to be part of the conversation and feel somehow accepted – a natural preference being the social animals we are. In this case the food is social acceptance.

To gain some level of approval though, I need to be aware of what’s going to be acceptable and what’s not, what I can and can’t wear, what to and what not to talk about and generally how to behave. All these factors tend to modify what we do and how we do it – if we’re hungry for the food of acceptance – and most of us are to some degree.

The bell in this case is our own behavior. So like the dog salivating on the cue of a bell – we don’t always have to modify what we do and say to fit a given situation and carry the plaque of social acceptance – the reward is internalized. For example I achieve a certain goal and I’m automatically rewarded with more of a personal acceptance of myself. What’s interesting is that some of this personal acceptance is unavoidably based on the values I’ve internalized – some of those things I’ve come to know are expected of me by others, I’m rewarding myself for achieving.

The problem is, as most expectations go – they’re mostly out of touch with who we are as individuals, or they’re more suitable for a different time, place or person. Basically they’re generally hard to met and heavy to carry and being often intertwined with our identity they’re hard to challenge. Invariably though, they can be a reasonable cause of stress.

I find it’s worth thinking about this when I don’t meet some of my own personal expectations. It’s useful to turn this around and question myself: “are these my expectations?” “have I thought hard enough about these things, or have I just taken them on and believed them?”

It’s also worth reading this – its written in an old English style (originally in German), so it takes some time but its a good analogy for cutting through values that don’t always apply to us as individuals:

“Who is the great dragon whom the spirit will no longer call lord and god? “Thou shalt” is the name of the great dragon. But the spirit of the lion says, “I will.” “Thou shalt” lies in his way, sparkling like gold, an animal covered with scales; and on every scale shines a golden “thou shalt.”

Values, thousands of years old, shine on these scales; and thus speaks the mightiest of all dragons: “All value has long been created, and I am all created value. Verily, there shall be no more ‘I will.’” Thus speaks the dragon.

My brothers, why is there a need in the spirit for the lion? Why is not the beast of burden, which renounces and is reverent, enough?

To create new values — that even the lion cannot do; but the creation of freedom for oneself and a sacred “No” even to duty — for that, my brothers, the lion is needed. To assume the right to new values — that is the most terrifying assumption for a reverent spirit that would bear much. Verily, to him it is preying, and a matter for a beast of prey. He once loved “thou shalt” as most sacred: now he must find illusion and caprice even in the most sacred, that freedom from his love may become his prey: the lion is needed for such prey.

But say, my brothers, what can the child do that even the lion could not do? Why must the preying lion still become a child? The child is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred “Yes.” For the game of creation, my brothers, a sacred “Yes” is needed: the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers the world.”

Nietzsche – Thus spoke Zarathustra