I really need to write more anecdotes, rather than full blown essays. Here’s the thing – I feel like there can be more done when there’s less self analysis – this might mean more typos but the advantage is more content and more free flow of ideas. So the idea today, which I also wrote about here, is that positive thinking might not be so positive after all. Why, because it’s the basic push / pull mechanism, or the shadow effect – the more prominent a spotlight the darker contrast it has on the shadow created.
So what this could me in the corporate world an awareness of the downside of peeping up the atmosphere, may result in a backlash.
Simple example – I get my team extremely excited and enthusiastic about an up and coming project… When the momentum begins to drop and the project gets caught in red tap – I can either do another hype up meeting and do this again and again hoping the motivation will remain – but run the risk of losing credibility. Or just stay neutral letting the course of the project dictate whatever levels of enthusiasm fit.
That’s kind of letting go of a bit of controlling the situation – But how much do we really control and how much is due to circumstances anyway?
There’s a background conversation I’m hearing right now with my wife and her friend (both medical students). They’re in exam prep mode and talking in a language that sounds like code. All these med students had and still are really pushing themselves beyond the threshold to get where they are, while looking forward to impossible time schedules that’s certain to take up the next few decades of their life. The question of whether this is what they really want comes up all the time. In high pressured situations (like a medical degree / profession) it makes sense people question what it is they’re really striving for. What is the price of success? Or what is success anyway?
When striving for success (and defining it), there’s a fine line we dance between fulfillment and approval and just to complicate matters further – they might not be entirely separate things anyway. For example: status, beauty, influence, fame, money etc. could make us feel relatively fulfilled and these sort of things will also go a long way to help us gain approval in some form too.
My next point then, might be something like:
Well, if status, beauty, influence, fame, money etc. makes us self-fulfilled, why did Kurdt Cobain commit suicide…
The counter argument could then follow the lines of:
there’s probably more poor and unknowns as screwed up -so at least if you’ve got money you can be miserable and die in style… etc.
This sounds like an argument between a poor guy and a rich guy. So I wonder are these perspectives just convenient ways to justify someone’s present lifestyle, their aspirations or life choices? The guy with the red Ferrari, for example mightn’t jump to the idea of renouncing his wealth and possessions to find happiness. Likewise, someone like me without a car, hasn’t got much to lose by taking up such an idea. Marx had a similar argument when he said:
“Religion is the poor man’s opium”
His comment was for people like me (not so wealthy), holding on to the idea that one day heaven will have to open its gates to me (because I don’t drive a Ferrari?) – making a lifetime of struggles seem all worthwhile. Especially, when I consider that I’ll have the last laugh looking down at all those snotty Ferrari owners from my heavenly platform (but don’t worry I’m not really that gullible!).
Anyway, this sort thinking (for the record – not everyone who is religious thinks like this) is bound to hit two birds with one stone – it gives meaning to the strain of an unfulfilling life (while oiling the brain for acceptance of hardship) and offers a nice reward in the end (if we never lose faith, that is). It kind of seems apt that the symbol of Christianity is of a man suffering and dying on a cross – but that’s a whole other debate.
By the same token we could easily translate a religious leaning to the holy grail of choice – because in truth, us non-religious types are just as able to fall prey to similar devises. Consumerism (the religion of capitalism?) preaches our individual right to choose – heaven is that earthly position where you freely choose, purchase and have any number of items within the inexhaustible range of things and services catered to any need or desire you could ever possibly imagine.
The long hours, the lack of sleep, the sacrifice of an otherwise carefree life are all justifiable when the reward of choice (which our god given right dammit!) hovers somewhere in the imaginable future, after that pay rise, that promotion, that next big sale. Our holy are no longer religious figures but celebrities and business giants who like the saints are untouchable and surrounded by a translucent glow (laser teeth whitening and skin resurfacing – is something those saints never had!). So the question is: how different this really to religion or things about religion people are generally skeptical about? Well, maybe it is similar – its just bundled together in a shinier package…
So, success – is it just about getting something or somewhere? If so, do we ever get there? Did Kurdt get there? Does anyone really get there? Or is it about proving ourselves and making sure others know we are worthwhile? Or are we just trying to convince ourselves we are worthwhile?
Imagine, if just finding contentment somehow through all the fluctuations life throws at us, is the only way to measure of our worth… Success might be an entirely different thing. It might be even that much more achievable.
David Deida had a phrase that crops up in my head from time to time. He was writing about the things that stunt our ability to live out our authentic purpose – that is a life that makes us most fulfilled most of the time. A big hurdle is the ‘thou shalt’ dialogue that plays over in our minds like a broken record. And who’s the voice on the other end? Who’s responsible for laying down the first few tracks?
Well, usually they’re our primary care caregivers, the one’s we looked up at with wide eyes – the mums and dads, maybe aunties, uncles or big sisters and brothers etc. They gave us our first road map to the big world we knew so little about and still when it comes to decision time – we go straight to the same road map index.
For me I’d often hear my dad saying: “you shouldn’t be doing that, David”, “That’s not a good thing..”, “Its best to do this…”, “You need to do that…” etc – Not in a Norman Bates way (where I’d talk to myself as my mother in in my mother’s own clothes – Hitchcock’s Psycho) – its more a pattern of thinking based on the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ passed on by our primary caregivers that we use as a measurement or a sounding board for whatever plays out in our present life. In this way Deida states:
“live your life as if your father is dead…”
But it’s not about our relationship with our parents, whether they are alive or dead, or what influence they might have or not have on us. It about being able to distinguish between the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ that probably worked well for someone else in some other time and place from the right and wrong that works for us right now. This is what Nietzsche talks about in his story about slaying the dragon of all created values (referenced here). The lion (determined action) slays the dragon (passed-on values) and transforms into the child (innocence able to create new values).
So what does this have to do with happiness?
Well my happiness starts from being happy in myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’d get a real kick out of other people acknowledging me, sending me praise and adulation – genuinely handing out a lot of ego pampering (of course, I’m not stopping you…). But if I’m not OK about myself no amount of praise and recognition will do me any good, especially when things turn around (and they always will) and the love stops coming. This kind of describes the curse of the celebrity.
To find happiness I need to know that the direction my life points is guided by me. If I’m not at the helm of my own life, if my dad, my wife, or Frederick Nietzsche always makes the final decision to go left, right, backwards or forwards (yes, up and down too), I’ll eventually be afraid of my own decisions (as I’m not making any of them). I’d lose trust in myself, grow dependent and wind up miserable and addicted to the drug of approval (well someone’s got to approve of what I’m doing- I don’t know if its OK or not – “someone, anyone HELP!”).
The alternative is to guide our own lives, to create values based on what is most relevant to us at the time and place it is best suited. To begin to trust in our ability to make precise decisions, in other words to put faith in our ‘gut feelings’ or instincts as a guide to life. And with this new found self-faith and spontaneity – there lies our road to happiness.
I was a casual teacher for some time – a replacement teacher called in to hold the fort when sickness (physical or emotional) debilitated the usual placement. Mostly, I never met the wounded but heard a lot about their unorthodox techniques – “he always lets us use our mobile phones”, “we always work on other assignments”, “she doesn’t mind if we do no work”, “were allowed to sit and talk”… etc.
Truthfully, I had no personal objections to most of these ideas, anyway I was primarily responsible for keeping students safe, as quiet as possible and contained in the classroom for the duration – a little easier than stretching out a one-liner lesson plan (dictated on the phone by a slurring bed-ridden teacher at 6am) to fill an hour on a subject I know close to nothing about (Science, Maths, French, Cooking – I was an Art teacher for Christ’s sake!).
Anyway, I put my hand up for as many roles as possible (so I’m partly to blame) – it was the only way to get through the dry-spells, namely summer or just after extended school holidays when teachers generally feel more refreshed and hopeful. Hopeful teachers just don’t get sick as much – and I would get less work.
I quickly signed up for everything and soon was ‘teaching’ every high school subject I knew or didn’t know (more to the point) – I was also a Primary School teacher, a Special Education teacher, a school Principal, a Minister of Education (well not the last 2, but I would have if I had no other work on).
I’d like to give a brief account of one of these days – the first time I was called in to be a Special Education teacher:
I arrived just a little before the morning bell and began to browse through some picture cards left on one of the desks. “No hitting” it read beneath an image that pictured a kid slapping another kid. Great, the expectation of being hit suddenly entered my mind.
The walls were covered in color: posters, student art – swirls, cellophane, paint dabs, stick figures with big round heads. A corner with bean bags, color blocks, books and squishy toys lay in stark contrast to the other corner – a singular hard chair in the middle of bare space – clearly the naughty seat or “time out” space – a phrase without ‘value’ that ends up meaning ‘naughty’ to the kids anyway, a little like the term ‘special’.
The bell rang… an abrupt loud sporadic rant, I noticed in the background noise earlier suddenly got louder, closer then closer – it was coming here! I swallowed, picked up the nearest “no hitting” card like a shield and took a deep breath. The door swung open – a shouting beefy 7 yr old almost as big as me stared me up and down with disgust. “Hello, I’m your teacher for today” I explained, he screamed back at me with words I couldn’t understand but the meaning I was clear about: “You’re not my teacher! – GET the F@#* OUT!”
The stand off was intervened by the Teacher’s Aide (really I was just stunned) and soon after I learned that this was Angus. Angus wasn’t fond of change, in truth he was probably as fond of change as anyone else – but unlike most, he lacked the pretence needed to refrain from expressing it.
Unfortunately, I’ve painted Angus in a bad light but not intentionally – I really just wanted to point out the comical side of our introduction. In reality he was a healthy kid, slightly distrusting of strangers, seemed to gain a sense of security from what’s familiar, was wary of what isn’t, liked to test his boundaries, was very cheeky and an accomplished manipulator – the only difference between him and other kids the same age was he had a high functioning form of Autism.
Autism is a hard thing to describe, as there is huge range of behaviors that fit under its spectrum and the spectrum ranges from high functioning to low functioning, where functioning means an ability to interact with the outside social world. One common feature is literalness. A good example of this in the movie “Rain Man” was when Dustin Hoffman’s character stopped walking in the middle of the road because the crossing symbol went red. Red means stop! There is no orange walking man that lets you know there’s not a lot of time left – so it kind of makes sense in a literal way.
Similarly, Angus liked his Lego blocks – they were his reward and because he “earned” them, no other kids should play with them. A reward is an accomplishment owned by a person, there’s no sense in giving someone else a reward for what you’ve done- it loses it’s meaning, it’s no longer a reward. This makes literal sense too. People without Autism might be more able to compromise or are flexible with the direct meaning of things (mostly).
Angus also needed a lot of personal attention – so enjoyed working one on one. He still had outbursts when he was frustrated, but overall appeared happier and more able to do things. It was not because of his Autism that he sought attention, but like most kids (and the same can be applied to adults) attention is an indication of their value. The preference is always positive attention with praise and support, but the next best thing (for a child – that can’t get the former) is any attention at all, even negative. Negative attention indicates at least (for the child) that there is some interest taken in them and for kids coming from dis-functional backgrounds, this is the only attention they might know and so often act-out to seek it.
The intent is to gain some form approval (even acknowledgment) to compensate for any feeling of inadequacy. Its not really uncommon – most of us require this in some form throughout our life (Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad – OK you’re exempt from this one).
The interesting thing for me when I worked with kids, especially those outside the mainstream is that it exposes our social dynamics in a more transparent way. The older we get, the better we get at masking our core emotional needs. Its not helpful to expose our desire for approval and it’s just not “cool” – so we entrench approval seeking in complicated social rituals of acceptable things to say and do – and this is how we become “cool”?
When do we know there is a real problem with our work habits, daily routines or our general lifestyle? I remember hearing about an investment banker who was in his late twenties and suffered a heart attack. The story went something like this:
Peter (not his real name) was picked up early after graduating from university from a large investment bank due to his high grades and success in graduate recruitment interviews. He climbed the ranks early and was admired for his keen insights and knowledge of the market. He was also very sociable – at all times equipped with a sharp remark, usually with a funny twist. Honed over countless lunchtime meetings and big weekends, was an ability to hold his liquor, no matter the amount or how late the office drinks went into the night before, Peter got to work and drew on what seemed an unlimited energy store. He stayed at the top of his game for a long time.
His burning desire to achieve got him through the “bursting at the seams” schedule, as well as a pack of cigarettes a day, a minimum of 5 coffee hits, lunchtime and after work drinks, jam and cream donuts and a least one heavy restaurant meal a day. On top of this he averaged about 4 hrs sleep, endured high and consistent peaks of stress throughout the day, avoided the doctor and hadn’t exercised in over 10 years.
The signs were there: the bluing of the lips, the bouts uncontrollable coughing, and shortness of breath, dizziness, and pinkish glassy eyes. Peter always put on a brave face and when someone showed concern he reminded them about how much his body could take and the fact he “worked through” flues – a testament to his physical strength and endurance.
Apparently he died at the office working back late – a heart attack.
This story made me think about how we focus on “repairing” disease and mental illness rather than focusing on creating lifestyles that promote health and happiness. How coping with a brave face through difficulties appears more admirable than seeking help and how this mentality is so ingrained in our work ethic but doesn’t really seem to serve anyone in the end.
I have a good understanding of stress – as everybody else living in the contemporary world with all the demands on time and expectations needed to be met. There’s a lot of expectations from peers, family, bosses etc that underlie the type of interactions we have with people generally and these expectations do their bit to ensure some level of stress.
We could look at this through the simple Pavlov conditioning experiment: ring a bell, then a moment after give a dog food and do this a few times over – the dog salivates eventually without the food and just by the sound of a bell itself. Let’s say I’m the dog and the environment is a social situation. When I’m around people it’s nice to be part of the conversation and feel somehow accepted – a natural preference being the social animals we are. In this case the food is social acceptance.
To gain some level of approval though, I need to be aware of what’s going to be acceptable and what’s not, what I can and can’t wear, what to and what not to talk about and generally how to behave. All these factors tend to modify what we do and how we do it – if we’re hungry for the food of acceptance – and most of us are to some degree.
The bell in this case is our own behavior. So like the dog salivating on the cue of a bell – we don’t always have to modify what we do and say to fit a given situation and carry the plaque of social acceptance – the reward is internalized. For example I achieve a certain goal and I’m automatically rewarded with more of a personal acceptance of myself. What’s interesting is that some of this personal acceptance is unavoidably based on the values I’ve internalized – some of those things I’ve come to know are expected of me by others, I’m rewarding myself for achieving.
The problem is, as most expectations go – they’re mostly out of touch with who we are as individuals, or they’re more suitable for a different time, place or person. Basically they’re generally hard to met and heavy to carry and being often intertwined with our identity they’re hard to challenge. Invariably though, they can be a reasonable cause of stress.
I find it’s worth thinking about this when I don’t meet some of my own personal expectations. It’s useful to turn this around and question myself: “are these my expectations?” “have I thought hard enough about these things, or have I just taken them on and believed them?”
It’s also worth reading this – its written in an old English style (originally in German), so it takes some time but its a good analogy for cutting through values that don’t always apply to us as individuals:
“Who is the great dragon whom the spirit will no longer call lord and god? “Thou shalt” is the name of the great dragon. But the spirit of the lion says, “I will.” “Thou shalt” lies in his way, sparkling like gold, an animal covered with scales; and on every scale shines a golden “thou shalt.”
Values, thousands of years old, shine on these scales; and thus speaks the mightiest of all dragons: “All value has long been created, and I am all created value. Verily, there shall be no more ‘I will.’” Thus speaks the dragon.
My brothers, why is there a need in the spirit for the lion? Why is not the beast of burden, which renounces and is reverent, enough?
To create new values — that even the lion cannot do; but the creation of freedom for oneself and a sacred “No” even to duty — for that, my brothers, the lion is needed. To assume the right to new values — that is the most terrifying assumption for a reverent spirit that would bear much. Verily, to him it is preying, and a matter for a beast of prey. He once loved “thou shalt” as most sacred: now he must find illusion and caprice even in the most sacred, that freedom from his love may become his prey: the lion is needed for such prey.
But say, my brothers, what can the child do that even the lion could not do? Why must the preying lion still become a child? The child is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred “Yes.” For the game of creation, my brothers, a sacred “Yes” is needed: the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers the world.”
Here I’m briefly introducing the 4 types of leaders introduced by Lao Tse in the Tao Te Ching. The basic premise is that the ultimate leader is almost invisible – invisible through recognizing that a person / people are most effective when they are self-motivated or self-empowered. He uses the analogy of the ocean that by taking the lowest position moves all things toward it (rivers / streams). People influenced by such a leader attribute success to their own merit – they would say: “we have done this – thanks to ourselves” and this way achieve greater self-satisfaction.
The 3 Minute Angels’ “Happiness in action” service brings up a few things I’d like to talk about. Yes there’s an element of plugging here (this is 3MA Corporate Happiness after all!), but I’m convinced there’s really positive things a workplace will get out of it.
The 3MA line is that the stimulation of hormones such as Serotonin (a product of massage) enhances a positive outlook. This being coupled with positive affirmations (from the Happiness Institute) and both being practiced over time (and documented) results in an enlivened workplace with happier and more productive staff (and yes lets not forget the employers, you’ll feel the love too!)
But I’ll have to refrain from proving this with evidence-based research or stats and leave this up to the Positive psychologists. I’m never sold on evidence-based arguments anyway – I’m more of the old school Plato’s analytical lineage. Really that’s an inflated way of saying: “I don’t really like reading statistics!”
So, I’m going to have to reason this thing out…
I don’t want to discount the effects of seratonin (I feel great after the gym and a resulting serotonin boost) but I see a few vital things that might surpass feel good natural chemicals or even happiness.
Did I say there’s even better things than happiness?
When you’re getting a good shoulder massage, you’re chatting away and getting some positive afirmations, you’ll start to embrace the lightness of being human. When I say ‘the lightness of being human’ I mean the great things about humanity that come naturally to us – a conversation, touch, laughter, interaction, smiles, good fresh breaths of air etc. So, somewhere amongst these moments, a freedom from all the “I should / shouldn’t do this or that” can arise. Its a chance for this directive nature and the internal noise it causes to ease off for the time being. We’re less directive and more reflective (sorry just had to use that ryhme).
So to take it a step further, I see this ‘lightness of being human’ as a form of meditation, maybe in its more accessible and ‘natural’ form. In some ways meditation (for me anyway) is laden with expectation stifling its potential benefits. For example I expect I’m going to be relaxed during meditation – but I can’t get completely relaxed because I’m comparing my present relaxation with how I expect my relaxed state should be. Its this expectation, this comparision, and these thoughts that tighten their grip when I attempt to turn down the internal chatter station.
But when I have a moment out of my routinue – moments of freedom to just let go of expectations, there’s a good chance I’ll enjoy the lighter qualities of my humanity. Now this is where I’m going with the “better than happiness” claim. I see happiness as a natural state of being unihibited and the most acheivable form of inhibition is acceptance. Acceptance that I am a human being with imperfections, hang-ups, anxieties etc. – the things i usually beat myself up over become just part of my humanity or in other words the everyday experience of who I am. When I see life more as a string of experiences there’s less need to attach good and bad labels to what I’m doing or what I’m thinking. Its about letting go and just being.
This state (I’m not even sure its a state) surpasses happiness because its permanent. Allowing ourselves then to enjoy our humanity with moments that break the routine of our everyday life give us a chance to experience this.
3MA have put together a competition around this very blog, so there’s a little incentive to post some comments and its always nice to win some stuff.
I’m really interested to hear your thoughts on these topics – maybe personal experiences about getting by at work, or something philosphical, perhaps just let me know (kindly or not) that I’m full of it!
Whatever you like really…
Here’s the extract from the latest 3MA newsletter that explains it more:
“We want these tips to be shared, experienced and viewed by as many people as possible, to help us achieve this, we’re giving away two tickets to this year’s Melbourne Cup to the person who makes the best contribution to our blog. This will be judged by the most follow-on comments and the best comment by way of insight.
If you needed another fantastic incentive to visit our blog, all throughout May we are giving anyone who comments on the blog $5 per hour off their next visit if they book and pay for their session before May 30th.”
A post I wrote on strategies for a difficult workplace covered a technique for transforming unhelpful patterns of thinking (unhelpful meaning thinking patterns that add that extra baggage – the sort of baggage that’s good to let go of from time to time). I’m actually really talented at holding on to such baggage but I’m slowly learning to loosen my grip.
The strategy is pretty simple. Write down the type of thoughts that are always nagging for your attention or the one’s that bring up strong emotions. Then look at these thoughts objectively – maybe think about different perspectives or other options. At that point jot down an alternative response based on the reality of the situation and a healthier emotional response as the objective.
Not so simple, right? I figure the difficulty might come from being so entrenched in the situation that stepping back isn’t always so easy. An interesting idea I came across last week might prove useful.
Basically we could categorize our thinking patterns into unhealthy (the internal critic) or healthy (our ally). I usually dislike the idea of dissecting myself into multiple personalities (I am really one person) or breaking up thinking into simplistic categories but I can relate to sometimes being a bit too much the internal critic and so by default I guess it’s feasible to have an internal ally.
The internal critic is fairly self explanatory: it’s the pessimistic fear monger and the ally is kind of the polar opposite. The ally is like the good friend – always encouraging and not afraid to give you a dose of reality. So with that combination the ally always offers sound advice. The crux then is that we are the audience (of the two) and we can control who speaks the loudest (i.e. the internal critic, who isn’t that helpful or the ally – the one more encouraging and useful for smoother sailing).
Although the critic can also be fairly helpful.
I’m reminded of Eckhart Tolle who wrote the Power of Now. His internal critic forced him to say something to the effect of: “I can’t live with myself anymore”. He then realized that this just doesn’t make any sense. How could he be in one moment a person who’s thinking he can’t live with himself and the person’s who’s objectively coming up with that conclusion at the same time? At this point he realized the freedom of just being in the moment (as this is where we are right now all the time anyway).
So in an instant the person who he couldn’t live with (in the past – that doesn’t exist in the present anyway) and the person built up with expectations we hope to become (that does not exist either) is just dropped. The burden finally released.
