The road to happiness

David Deida had a phrase that crops up in my head from time to time. He was writing about the things that stunt our ability to live out our authentic purpose – that is a life that makes us most fulfilled most of the time. A big hurdle is the ‘thou shalt’ dialogue that plays over in our minds like a broken record. And who’s the voice on the other end? Who’s responsible for laying down the first few tracks?

Well, usually they’re our primary care caregivers, the one’s we looked up at with wide eyes – the mums and dads, maybe aunties, uncles or big sisters and brothers etc. They gave us our first road map to the big world we knew so little about and still when it comes to decision time – we go straight to the same road map index.

For me I’d often hear my dad saying: “you shouldn’t be doing that, David”, “That’s not a good thing..”, “Its best to do this…”, “You need to do that…” etc – Not in a Norman Bates way (where I’d talk to myself as my mother in in my mother’s own clothes – Hitchcock’s Psycho) – its more a pattern of thinking based on the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ passed on by our primary caregivers that we use as a measurement or a sounding board for whatever plays out in our present life. In this way Deida states:

“live your life as if your father is dead…”

But it’s not about our relationship with our parents, whether they are alive or dead, or what influence they might have or not have on us. It about being able to distinguish between the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ that probably worked well for someone else in some other time and place from the right and wrong that works for us right now. This is what Nietzsche talks about in his story about slaying the dragon of all created values (referenced here). The lion (determined action) slays the dragon (passed-on values) and transforms into the child (innocence able to create new values).

So what does this have to do with happiness?

Well my happiness starts from being happy in myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’d get a real kick out of other people acknowledging me, sending me praise and adulation – genuinely handing out a lot of ego pampering (of course, I’m not stopping you…). But if I’m not OK about myself no amount of praise and recognition will do me any good, especially when things turn around (and they always will) and the love stops coming. This kind of describes the curse of the celebrity.

To find happiness I need to know that the direction my life points is guided by me. If I’m not at the helm of my own life, if my dad, my wife, or Frederick Nietzsche always makes the final decision to go left, right, backwards or forwards (yes, up and down too), I’ll eventually be afraid of my own decisions (as I’m not making any of them). I’d lose trust in myself, grow dependent and wind up miserable and addicted to the drug of approval (well someone’s got to approve of what I’m doing- I don’t know if its OK or not – “someone, anyone HELP!”).

The alternative is to guide our own lives, to create values based on what is most relevant to us at the time and place it is best suited. To begin to trust in our ability to make precise decisions, in other words to put faith in our ‘gut feelings’ or instincts as a guide to life. And with this new found self-faith and spontaneity – there lies our road to happiness.

Better than happiness?

The 3 Minute Angels’ “Happiness in action” service brings up a few things I’d like to talk about. Yes there’s an element of plugging here (this is 3MA Corporate Happiness after all!), but I’m convinced there’s really positive things a workplace will get out of it.

The 3MA line is that the stimulation of hormones such as Serotonin (a product of massage) enhances a positive outlook. This being coupled with positive affirmations (from the Happiness Institute) and both being practiced over time (and documented) results in an enlivened workplace with happier and more productive staff (and yes lets not forget the employers, you’ll feel the love too!)

But I’ll have to refrain from proving this with evidence-based research or stats and leave this up to the Positive psychologists. I’m never sold on evidence-based arguments anyway – I’m more of the old school Plato’s analytical lineage. Really that’s an inflated way of saying: “I don’t really like reading statistics!”

So, I’m going to have to reason this thing out…

I don’t want to discount the effects of seratonin (I feel great after the gym and a resulting serotonin boost) but I see a few vital things that might surpass feel good natural chemicals or even happiness.

Did I say there’s even better things than happiness?

When you’re getting a good shoulder massage, you’re chatting away and getting some positive afirmations, you’ll start to embrace the lightness of being human. When I say ‘the lightness of being human’ I mean the great things about humanity that come naturally to us – a conversation, touch, laughter, interaction, smiles, good fresh breaths of air etc. So, somewhere amongst these moments, a freedom from all the “I should / shouldn’t do this or that” can arise. Its a chance for this directive nature and the internal noise it causes to ease off for the time being. We’re less directive and more reflective (sorry just had to use that ryhme).

So to take it a step further, I see this ‘lightness of being human’ as a form of meditation, maybe in its more accessible and ‘natural’ form. In some ways meditation (for me anyway) is laden with expectation stifling its potential benefits. For example I expect I’m going to be relaxed during meditation – but I can’t get completely relaxed because I’m comparing my present relaxation with how I expect my relaxed state should be. Its this expectation, this comparision, and these thoughts that tighten their grip when I attempt to turn down the internal chatter station.

But when I have a moment out of my routinue – moments of freedom to just let go of expectations, there’s a good chance I’ll enjoy the lighter qualities of my humanity. Now this is where I’m going with the “better than happiness” claim. I see happiness as a natural state of being unihibited and the most acheivable form of inhibition is acceptance. Acceptance that I am a human being with imperfections, hang-ups, anxieties etc. – the things i usually beat myself up over become just part of my humanity or in other words the everyday experience of who I am. When I see life more as a string of experiences there’s less need to attach good and bad labels to what I’m doing or what I’m thinking. Its about letting go and just being.

This state (I’m not even sure its a state) surpasses happiness because its permanent. Allowing ourselves then to enjoy our humanity with moments that break the routine of our everyday life give us a chance to experience this.

Break the routinue – why not?